Chapter 2: Behind the Scenes

Here is where I break down what happens behind the closed curtains of my Fairy Tale.

Growing up my sister and I always were around each other and nothing kept us apart. We eventually played sports together, but due to our age difference we played in different age groups/leagues. We never understood why our mom was never at the games, and why my mom always slept, and for us it seemed like all we ate was fruit or quick and easy meals because she was always asleep. As an adult I now understand that abuse takes a toll on the body that can never be described. According to my mom she was Physically, Mentally, and Emotionally abused. She was abused physically a lot before we were born, but when I came around my dad stopped hitting her. Why? Because I could finally expose the monster he tried to keep a secret. He still tries to keep that skeleton buried, but heavy floods a few years later exposed it and it’s forever out. My mom did a great job keeping us out of their debacles, and innocent. The older we became the easier it was for my mom to share what was going on.

During the years we played sports we figured out that my dad was using us as a ploy to meet other women. It was so bad that it looked like he was trying to replace us. It started off as him getting us to play around certain kids, and then he would take those kids out with us on our “family trips/outings”. Then it turned into whatever we did these kids got to go because now somehow they were our new siblings…That was one of the families my dad tried to disrupt. The last one he did this to wound up being married into our lives.

Sixteen years my mom put up with the lying, the sneaking around, the hitting, sending her on errands to buy his mistress’s gifts without her knowledge, etc. It was bad, so she finally she could not take it anymore. So she left. She also left us with our dad, one of the hardest decisions she ever had to make,  but she had always told my dad in the event they went through with the divorce she would leave us with him because he was the most financially stable. At least my dad could finally nail down this other woman he was seeing. Finally, my sister was acting out to the point that he demanded my mom to take my sister. She did, and that is how we were finally separated from each other for I wanted to say about 4-5 years.

When this divorce was going on, I really don’t remember much. I just remember shutting down and out. My mom says I said things to her that I never should have said. Some ugly things that nobody should say. I just tried to not make my dad angry, because he was scary when you got him angry. During this time I became very depressed and so full of anxiety. I did not know how to control all my feelings and whom to aim them at. My dad would never tell me more then I was allowed to know, I was not speaking to my mom nor my sister. I was just left in the dark. That was where I felt the need to stay.

During this dark time is when me and my husband became a couple, let’s call him Garu. (Gah-Roo) He was my friend, my only true friend. I had never found much interest in him like the whole school of girls did. Garu was so easy to talk to and he always listened and never judged me. People from his class were always teasing him because he was the “Popular Guy” and I was the “Geek”, and would always question why he was always talking to me and hanging around me. Well plain and simple we were friends. To make things even more interesting was that before we became an “item”, we were both crushing on two different people. But, a friend of a friend said you two should try it out and so he asked I said yes, and just like that we were a couple. Boy oh Boy did that ever cause the biggest riot of the school! Garu and Plain Jane a couple! Blew everyone’s mind and every other girls’ heart. People, and I mean teachers too, could not stop talking about the how, and why the **** (you know); this went on for weeks. Let me tell you something about Garu, he is an athlete built to for football, but a very quiet, soft spoken soul. He does not pay any mind to what people say or think, and he runs to the beat of his Saxophone. But, everyone in his class just could not believe how he could just do something like get with Plain Jane, and how they were in complete disbelief. It got so bad that one day some girl struck his last nerve and he yelled at her and walked out of class. That right there was the monumental moment that made everyone finally shut up.

Garu’s stand proved the test of time, because him being with me meant he was signing up for on hell of an emotional roller coaster. After we became an item, my dad and I lost our house. It just seemed like my dad’s frustrations were hidden away unless you knocked on the door. Then out of nowhere all the pent up frustrations spilled out onto you. We had to stay with a family member for a few weeks, but had to move out just because this family member did not want me there. (Mind you we had already stayed with a different family member, but we were already imposing.) So inevitably we wound up moving in with my dad’s girlfriend. Life there was harder then staying with someone who said they did not want you there. Why? I felt like the only place I was safe was with Garu or alone in my room with the door shut. I lived there for a few years, but started out sleeping on the couch, with a basket next to me of where I kept my clothes. It took a while before I finally had my own space. They moved me into the garage that had already been converted in to an extra bedroom. But man did that place freeze you to death. It was not well insulated so the cold crept in like crazy, and I also forgot to mention that this was the only way you could get to the back yard and the laundry room/space. So you can only imagine how many people I had come in and out of my room unannounced. I am not one to deal with the cold so they had to bring a plug in heater. Eventually I would get a real room, but that would take some time.

After we moved in with my dad’s girlfriend, my dad was even more absent from my life. Completely forgetting that I needed to eat or that his so called girlfriend should be cooking not just buying Hot Cheetos and Orange juice to feed us. Yes I said us, because unfortunately I had to live with the soon to be step sister. She is younger than me, let us call her Kermit. Kermit was the type of person who knew she was good looking and used it to her advantage by soliciting her body all over her school and any one who wanted a taste. I lost count with how many times she brought guys over when we were the only ones there. Garu could not always be there because he worked at a restaurant after school. (That was how I got to eat, he always brought me food!) Kermit seemed to be very observant and eventually started stealing my things and tried to get Garu’s attention when I had my back turned. Kermit’s dad was also a very present individual and was always trying to sabotage my dad and his girlfriend’s unity. Just as any crazy Ex knows how. He would always come around to the house looking for her or my dad, so it got pretty bad knowing some guy was hovering around the yard looking into the house. I remember one night I was alone and hungry. Naturally I called my dad, who was out eating dinner with his chick, Garu was helping a friend at the moment. I tried so many times to call my dad from my cell phone and the house phone, but for some reason none of the calls were getting through, NONE. So I basically had a panic attacked. I was hearing noises outside like someone was lurking around, the phones were not working and the only person who answered me was Garu. I pretty much freaked him out because I was crying, hyperventilating, and I could not complete a sentence. Finally my dad answered and he got the calmed version of myself because Garu was already on his way (even though he was clear across the city). I just remember Garu showing up and running to hug me and soothe me. He had beaten my dad home, and all I remember was how angry my dad was at me he was because I “overreacted” and made him rush home. I just felt like I ruined he so called date and his girlfriend was not having it.

On other days that I was alone, I wrote a lot.  It made me feel unburdened but at the same time it made me hate myself. Made myself think about why I was alive and what was I still doing here? These people hate me, and I know they do not want me around. So I would get angry, unbelievably angry to the point I would punch walls until I bled. I would scratch at my arms until I had marks. (I was too afraid of cutting my arms.) Days like this Garu would come to my side and just offer me the support by being the only person who showed me love. Often times I would just get so frustrated with myself for being so weird with my emotions I would just frantically and harshly rub my hands together over and over until Garu had to hold them still. I felt this wave of embarrassment that just sucked me deeper into my emotions. How could he still be here? Why is he still here?

10 thoughts on “Chapter 2: Behind the Scenes

  1. Beautiful. I also do things like rubbing my palm to ground myself. If I get extremely overwhelmed or overstimulated, I can focus on something small like that to help calm myself down and quit focusing on what’s going on around me. Over the years I’ve found other coping mechanisms as well. I hope you’ve come to a place that you no longer feel ashamed or embarrassed by your emotions. They are valid. You are special and writing like this may help you work things out.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sometimes emotions are a hard thing to control, and it gets to be too much to handle. I just want people to know that these things are common and the fact that you can relate just helps to build awareness to others that we as people need patience and understanding.

      Liked by 1 person

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