Eyes shut, I don’t want to open them, but my alarm shows no signs of failure. As I crack my eyes open, I’m flooded with the sadness again. I lie still, under the covers that protect my warmth from escaping. My mind wanders to the days before today, oh how they have beaten me. Tears spring to my eyes. I rub my eyes with the bottom of my palms, smearing yesterday’s liner. I take a deep breathe and swing my feet to the floor, throwing my blankets away from me. The cold wood floors awakens my body oh too quickly.
The walk to the wash room, like walking the green mile. I dread this because of my mirror. The only mirror in my house. The reflection shows too much, more then I care to see. Passing the mirror without a chance to catch my glance, I head for the shower.
The heat hugs my body as I wash away my filth. I swear that if we could wash away all our hurt in the shower it would always run black. But to the naked eye, the water runs clear and soapy. I laugh to myself at the thought.
I reluctantly leave this safe haven and prepare for my day ahead. The thought of facing myself in that mirror pops to my mind. Flooded with sadness again, I head to brush my teeth.
There before me is the mirror, covered in the fog of my shower. Brushing my teeth I stare at it as the fog dissipates. Slowly I see my eyes, nose and mouth. My dark , damp hair hangs so unflattering around my face. My cheeks too rosy for my pale skin. Slowly my eyes meet my reflection’s eyes. Frozen by what is staring back at me. Dark brown pools that hide the pain of your words. In my hand, my toothbrush grazes my lips as it makes it’s way to the sink .
All these years I stood looking in this mirror, wondering. Am I really worthless? Am I not worthy of love? These hollow cheeks were once full and so familiar to my smile. Now they show no signs of laughter. You told me the sight of my smile made you sick. You told me my eyes were beautiful. You told me that I was too fat so you beat me skinny. You hated my hair cut so you pulled it apart. You said I was too pale so you locked me outside our home. You made me pick up extra shifts at work then yelled at me for not being home with you. Six years you tormented my soul. Yet, everyday I tried so hard to make you love me, every last one of those 2190 days!
It’s funny how everyone says, ‘they were perfect in the beginning’, because that really is how I fell in love. You were so perfect, but no one is. You held yourself so together, even through the hard times, but that should have been a red flag. Every one breaks down, but it’s who gets back up to keep fighting, they are perfect. You are not perfect. You made me work too many hours just for your habits. Habits that made you meaner around me. Habits that made you stronger, strength you used against me.
Our home bears so many landmarks of our fights. My heads bears just as many. I dressed differently because of you. I wanted the cotton to cover my entire body. Afraid of the sun, it would only make the bruises worse. I feared for my life at one point, but I knew you would never take it. You needed me just as much as I needed you. I was the only one that would let you use my body to take revenge. The hate you had for your own life, you avenged with your abuse towards me.
Today because of you I stand in my house, staring at my reflection not knowing who I am. I lost so much of myself being with you. My soul knows no peace, just darkness. Because of you I feel nothing.
I stare at myself until my eyes can no longer stay open. With a blink I am freed from my trance. I refocus and finish my morning routine. I dress for the day, and head out for work, restless for when I can return to my house. A place with no love, a place without screams, a place without you.
Every second I become a little stronger, but I am so self aware of my confidence. I have so little of it left, but I use what I have to try and make my life better. I’ll never miss the days of us, but I will miss the thought of having you when you were perfect.
I have little hope in myself, but I have vowed to not look for another you. I want heart to feel again and once it does, I will find someone better then you. Someone who will help me make my house a home.